Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A childish fancy; nothing more.

Moaning and whining ahead. Read at your own peril.

Most people will, in their youth, have dreamed of meeting someone who loves them as they are. No exceptions, no conditions. Just loves you for you, and is lovable in turn. Someone who will love all your quirks and not judge you for any of the dumb things you say.

By the time we grow up, most of us realise that this person exists in the form of a pet, as pets don't care what you say to them as long as you don't frighten them unnecessarily and give them love and attention and safety. There just is no way that this fantasy of unconditional acceptance in exchange for love and friendship can be true where people are involved because the simple fact is that we are all different, raised with different ideas and expectations and there will always be a clash somewhere.

Unfortunately, having ADHD, I feel as though I "clash" a lot more than most people. I feel like I always have to be watching what I say and do, and my guilt switch kicks in horribly as soon as I say something which upsets another person. Then my world comes crashing down and my self-esteem just melts away. I just don't seem to fit the world very well.

I don't enjoy doing this. A common angsty teenage theme is that of not being able to be yourself around people and having to put up a facade, but that's actually what a lot of my days involve: near-constant self-censoring; non-stop analysys of what I'm about to say and whether it's apropriate; constant analysys of the mood of others and whether the next thing that comes to mind would go well in this crowd; etc etc ad nauseum.

I may be angsting, but I really don't ever feel like I can truly let myself go and just be. Even when it seems I have just let loose, I'm still monitoring and watching and assessing for the slightest change in feedback in case I should stop. I usually miss the slight ones anyway, but the point is that I'm always walking on eggshells; always worrying about being judged and losing friendships that were difficult to find in the first place.

It is extremely tiring. It makes for a frustrated, neurotic Quince who panics at the first perceived change in behaviour from someone. 

There are times when I want to throw the towel in on society because it just feels too hard. It feels too hard to have to change so many things about myself, and there are a lot of them. I'm constantly reminded of this. Unfortunately, even if I were to just be accepted fully and without condition, I would still be paranoid because I'm just used to having to be. I wouldn't know how to enjoy it anyway.

So if I'm around you and going a bit silly, saying things without thinking, but not actually doing any harm, please be flattered. It means I trust you and am letting my guard down.

This thoroughly depressing post was brought to you by a mood swing that is the result of my not being on my medication. I miss my medication. Being "on holiday" from it is a necessary evil, but one which screws with my moods and that I wish I could do without.