A childish fancy; nothing more.

Moaning and whining ahead. Read at your own peril.

Most people will, in their youth, have dreamed of meeting someone who loves them as they are. No exceptions, no conditions. Just loves you for you, and is lovable in turn. Someone who will love all your quirks and not judge you for any of the dumb things you say.

By the time we grow up, most of us realise that this person exists in the form of a pet, as pets don't care what you say to them as long as you don't frighten them unnecessarily and give them love and attention and safety. There just is no way that this fantasy of unconditional acceptance in exchange for love and friendship can be true where people are involved because the simple fact is that we are all different, raised with different ideas and expectations and there will always be a clash somewhere.

Unfortunately, having ADHD, I feel as though I "clash" a lot more than most people. I feel like I always have to be watching what I say and do, and my guilt switch kicks in horribly as soon as I say something which upsets another person. Then my world comes crashing down and my self-esteem just melts away. I just don't seem to fit the world very well.

I don't enjoy doing this. A common angsty teenage theme is that of not being able to be yourself around people and having to put up a facade, but that's actually what a lot of my days involve: near-constant self-censoring; non-stop analysys of what I'm about to say and whether it's apropriate; constant analysys of the mood of others and whether the next thing that comes to mind would go well in this crowd; etc etc ad nauseum.

I may be angsting, but I really don't ever feel like I can truly let myself go and just be. Even when it seems I have just let loose, I'm still monitoring and watching and assessing for the slightest change in feedback in case I should stop. I usually miss the slight ones anyway, but the point is that I'm always walking on eggshells; always worrying about being judged and losing friendships that were difficult to find in the first place.

It is extremely tiring. It makes for a frustrated, neurotic Quince who panics at the first perceived change in behaviour from someone. 

There are times when I want to throw the towel in on society because it just feels too hard. It feels too hard to have to change so many things about myself, and there are a lot of them. I'm constantly reminded of this. Unfortunately, even if I were to just be accepted fully and without condition, I would still be paranoid because I'm just used to having to be. I wouldn't know how to enjoy it anyway.


So if I'm around you and going a bit silly, saying things without thinking, but not actually doing any harm, please be flattered. It means I trust you and am letting my guard down.

This thoroughly depressing post was brought to you by a mood swing that is the result of my not being on my medication. I miss my medication. Being "on holiday" from it is a necessary evil, but one which screws with my moods and that I wish I could do without.

Lust

One of the problems with ADHD is that it is partly the result of a faulty reward system. This is overly simplistic as the characteristic lack of dopamine affects many areas of brain function and learning, but it may be related to risk-taking behaviour and addiction in those with ADHD.

Treatment for it through stimulant medications decreases the chances that someone with ADHD will attempt to self-medicate through other means, such as drugs or hoon driving or eating the mouldiest cheese they can find.

Of course, if it goes unmedicated, the poor ADD-er will start looking for other ways to get this "high" that we are so lacking.

One of the things that ADD-ers are known for is intense, short bursts of obsession over a new hobby, be it photography, stamp-collecting, or a movie they just saw. The symptoms are a lot like the early stages of falling in love. Consider please:

- You can't think about anything else
- It's all you talk about
- You get pictures of the of the object of your affection and put them EVERWHERE
- You find out as much as you can about the object of your affection
- You feel excited at the thought of doing something with the object of your affection

Of course, just like in love, after a few weeks your obsession dies down a little. That adrenaline rush you used to get just isn't as intense any more, and other thoughts are able to make it into your brain for more than half a second. This is where it either becomes True Love where the relationship grows into something and nurtures both of you, or fades into the distance to be replace by something that is as thrilling and exciting as the previous one was at the very start.

And so, the obsession cycle goes in ADHD, and it is all about seeking that next high.

Why I'm not particularly good at anything

One of the problems with ADHD is that I tend to get bored with things before I get good at them. In fact, not getting good at things quickly is more inclined to make me get bored with them. If I have to keep practicing the same skill over and over again without noticing an great difference, I get fed up with it and try to do something else.

This is one of the problems with going to the gym. If I don't see results of some sort within a few weeks, I start to get frustrated and to despair. I get sick of doing the same thing but to no avail.

It's why I'm having some trouble with my motivation to cycle lately - I hadn't noticed any increase in the ease of the ride (in fact, it got harder and harder for a while) or a decrease in how long the ride takes or even an increased ability to ride in more often, which brought my spirits way down. Even figuring out why I was finding it more difficult didn't help much, because by that point I'd regressed a bit and the thought of having to do a huge amount of work just to get back to the level at which I was a few weeks ago... My goodness, that's a horrible thought.

It's easier to just give up and not do it. Having to do the whole thing again, or having to put massive effort into achieving a really minor improvement just doesn't seem worth while, especially when I see other people putting in less and achieving the same, or even more.

Then there's the fear of seeing just how far I've regressed, which is even more reason to not do it because if I avoid it, then I'll avoid the frustration of knowing I used to be better at this, and being annoyed at myself for letting it slip.

It kind of makes you feel a bit failsome and lazy. That brings me down even further, and really reduces my motivation to do anything. So, I've employed my husband to make me do some riding. There is a point where I just need someone to help keep me going, because I am beyond being able to do it myself.

Here's hoping that it works.

ADD-er's Guide to Planning Weddings

If you are an adder, you'll have problems with executive functioning and what's known as working memory. According to Wikipedia, working memory is:

"the ability to actively hold information in the mind needed to do complex tasks such as reasoning, comprehension and learning. Working memory tasks are those that require the goal-oriented active monitoring or manipulation of information or behaviors in the face of interfering processes and distractions."

Yep, that sounds about right.

Now, weddings are complicated things. You need to work with a lot of information at once and there are lots of things that need to happen at the same time and be co-ordinated and by the time you've sorted out the venue, the catering, the flowers, the cake, the timing, the celebrant  and OH MY GOD SO MUCY STUFF HOW CAN IT EVER ACTUALLY WORK GNYAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!

Even NTs have trouble coping coping with a lot of info, but when you have ADHD it's nearly impossible. It's hard enough trying to hold on to one thought, let alone juggle 7.

So, here is my main piece of advice for planning something like a wedding (but it applies to any big event):

PALM AS MUCH OF THE RESPONSIBILITY OFF TO OTHER PEOPLE AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

I mean it. Seriously. Get other people to do stuff. For instance:

Get a venue that also does catering. Suddenly, you don't hvave to think about how long the caterers will be there, how much they charge per hour, whether you can afford to have them there for most of the party and whether you can afford to let your guests have no food for that first or last hour (I don't recommend ever having hungry guests, especially if they're European; you'll never et invited to anything ever again).

Get someone else to the decorating. If the venue does it, brilliant! If not, then ask either family or the bridal party to be responsible for it, just make sure you give them a colour guide and a budget.

Get someone to drive you around. If you can get someone to drive you to hair and make-up and all that stuff, then so much the better, because trying to figure out how to get your car home after you've gone to the honeymoon is the kind of information overlaoad that had me wanting to curl up into a ball in the corner.

So yes. Very defintely, make this your mantra for organising anything more complicated than a movie night:


PALM AS MUCH OF THE RESPONSIBILITY OFF TO OTHER PEOPLE AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!
 

Why I cycle

There are a lot of good reasons for cycling as much as possible. 

• You're saving the Earth by not creating carbon emissions through the use of a car.
• You're saving money by not buying petrol ($100/year to service your bike is far less than typical annual fuel costs).
• You're saving your health through regular exercise (after my first week of cycling, my resting heart rate went from between 85 and 90bpm to between 68 and 73bpm; that's a huge difference for just a week of riding every other day).
• You're saving money on a gym membership, because the time you would normally spend at the gym is being spent on exercise anyway.

These are all definite reasons for me to cycle, not to mention that finding a type of exercise which I enjoy and can do on a regular basis is particularly important for me because of my ADHD. I'm told that exercise is very good for it, and I noticed this before I even suspected that I had it. When I was at the gym four days per week, I was in a far better state than when I wasn't exercising. I'm basically like a puppy, in that if I don't get my daily walk I start to tear up the furinture. And your shoes.

But these reasons, while compelling in and of themselves, are not the main reason I cycle. Quite simply, I cycle because it feels good. I get a fully sensational experience - I get to see, hear, feel, and smell the world around me in ways I can't possibly get at the gym, or even on a slow walk. I enjoy the stiffness in my muscles the day after a particularly hard ride; it's a reminder that I'm doing something worth-while and that my body is responding to it.

When you think about it, enjoyment is really the only thing that works when it comes to changing your habits and doing more exercise. If you don't like what you're doing, you won't enjoy it and none of these "reasons" are going to be reason enough. So if you want to get healthier, rather than kicking yourself for avoiding the gym or the running and feeling bad about making excuses, try something else. No matter how good the exercise you're trying to make yourself do looks on paper, if you don't actually like it, you'll never get anywhere. Whereas if the whole point of it is to enjoy it while you're doing it, it'll feel less like hard work and all those benefits will be the cherry on top.

Of course, if you can't find any exercise you enjoy doing, then you'll just have to pick the one you hate least and bear it for all eternity.

Why I don't read as much as I used to

I used to read a lot of books.  As I posted earlier, I get extremely vivid images when I read. Unfortunately, it means I become totally immersed in what I am reading and lose all track of time. Basically, I go into what's called hyperfocus. It's not something that one usually thinks of when considering various aspects of ADHD, but it's a very real one.

It's not a voluntary state to be in but it can be extremely useful. It's how I got through exams and tests as a student, and why I wouldn't have needed any special consideration even if I had been diagnosed earlier.

There are some problems with it, though. For one, I'm unaware of anything going on around me. I hope I won't be the kind of person who doesn't notice that their house is on fire, but there's no guarantee.

The problem with it not being entirely voluntary is that I can't always get at it when I want to. Like right now. I've spent about 20mins on this post, but I keep getting distracted by everything going on around me so I've totally forgotten where I was going with it. Again.

ADHD 101: Taking things literally

ADHD shares a few characteristics with Aspberger's, and one of the overlapping areas is that of taking things literally.

I not only take things literally and get mental images to suit (eg: "undressing you with my eyes" - EW EW EW GROSS!), but I also answer questions far more literally than most people do, and the result is that I come across as a smart arse. Here are some examples of conversations I've had.

Example 1:
Me: My friend is having an identity crisis.
Her: Oh no! What about?
Me: Um... Himself?

Example 2:
Her: Why are you slicing up those mushrooms?
Me: Because I'm planning to cook with them.

Example 3 (we'd arranged to meet at the Southland Shopping Centre food court):
Her: Where are you?
Me: Southland.

It's not just that it's literal, I tend to take a broader interpretation. I'm not sure whether I can blame it entirely on being a "big picture" thinker, but what the hell.

So, when you're asking me a question and you want a specific answer, you do actually need to be specific yourself or you'll end up frustrated and I'll just be confused!

I'd like a muffy and a coffin, please.

I do a lot of spoonerising. I'm pretty damned good at it, in fact. I just can't do it on cue. I have actually, in all seriousness, ordered a muffy and a coffin. I only realised when I noticed the weird look that the barista was giving me.

I also mix up my letters a lot. I spent an entire day substituting 2 and x, which was hilarious for my yr 7 students. I also tend to substitute the letter d for the letter g.

I never actually figured out the license plate of my old car. It was either 022 or 220. Unless it was 002, or 020. Or even 200. I could never be quite sure.

I once went to number 24, when I was actually supposed to go to number 4. And no, that was not the first time I'd been to that house. I got very confused when I didn't recognise the scenery...

I genuinely don't know my left from my right. I have to do the L thing with the thumb and forefinger and check every time I'm told to make a turn.

I think I might be dyslexic.

Don't ever take me to the cinema

I've already written on what makes me like a movie, but now I'm going to tell you why you should never take me to the pictures.

1) I find it really hard to not comment on everything I see. 

I'm very impulsive, which means that if a comment comes into my head it will usually make it out of my mouth. It can get me in a lot of trouble, and the cinema is one of those places because I like to analyse as I go and rant or squee over what I'm seeing on the Big Screen.

2) I can't stand loud noise.

My first instinct in the cinema is usually to grab the remote and turn down the volume. I have to take ear plugs or keep my fingers in my ears because I can't handle how loud it is. I'll have a dreadful ringing in my ears afterward which you'll have to hear about as well, not to mention that I'll be shouting because I can't hear myself over the din in my own head.

3) I fidget. 

I can't sit still. I find it very difficult to get comfortable in my own chair and this will not get better throughout the film. The best solution to this is to take me to Gold Class, because the nibbles the bring in throughout the movie will give my something to do with my fingers and something to plug my mouth with.

Basically, if you want to see a film with me, either rent a DVD so that we can pause and go back over bits I've missed or gag me and give me a koosh ball.

ADHD: Not quite what you think it is. Or isn't. Cross-posted from one of my personal blogs

This is fairly impromptu, but hearing a couple of people talking and spreading their bullshit opinions made me angry and I felt the need to write this.


I am fed up with people who have no clue about something giving their opinion and talking shit when they have no business doing so.

Just so that you all know:

• ADHD is a REAL disorder. 
• Stimulants have been used to treat it since the first half of the 20th century.
• Caffeine is a STIMULANT. This means that someone who has ADHD and is drinking 20 cups of coffee per day is more likely to be self-medicating than to be causing his symptoms.
• ADHD is genetic. The genes which are responsible for it have been mapped. It runs in families. So yes, you WILL find families where mum, dad and all the kids are diagnosed and on Ritalin. There is nothing "odd" or "suspicious" about it.
• ADHD brains are NOT the same as normal brains. The frontal and temporal lobes are underdeveloped. MRI scans have shown this.
• ADHD is NOT a behavioural disorder, it is a developmental disorder. Hence the lack of DEVELOPMENT in key areas of the thinking/reasoning part of the brain.
• Parents are NOT trying to zombify their kids. Neither are the teachers. It would be nice if the system was set up to have special resources and support for these kids, but sadly it doesn't. The best we can do is help them fit the world by altering their brain chemistry to resemble that of "neurotypical" kids.
• ADHD is not just for kids. Plenty of adults never "grow out" of their ADHD. And that's why you'll get the whole family on the meds situation.

So don't talk about things you don't actually understand. Don't just repeat things you hear because they sound all conspiratory. Don't talk out of your arse until you've actually learned something about what you're talking about.

Stop saying how terrible it is that kids are medicated unless you've read up on how the medication works. Stop talking about misdiagnosis and overdiagnosis unless you understand the diagnostic criteria.

Basically, stop being a twit and LEARN SOMETHING.

Buses

I never know what to do on the school bus, going to and from an excursion. I’m not sure what is polite, so I have no idea how to conduct myself. I’m not talking about basic things like not throwing banana peels at people’s heads or keeping the kids from running up and down the isles, I’m talking about the fine art of Conversation.

For some reason, I don’t really feel like conversing on a bus. I’d rather daydream, read, or listen to music. Even if I do actually want to be involved (whether it’s because the conversation is interesting or out of some sense of needing to be social to build these working relationships), I find it very hard to keep the conversation running smoothly.

There’s just something about buses which completely blocks my ability to socialise normally - like they have some sort of force field which completely blocks it - it’s kind of like a mobile phone dead-zone.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry, the cat jumped up on the keyboard. He tends to just go “Oooh! A lap!” and hop up, regardless of what else is on your lap at the time. Though it’s a little different with food - he’ll jump up next to your lap and then stare at your food intently, getting as close as you’ll let him so that he can have a sniff and figure out whether he wants to eat it. Trying to get him away when you’re eating something like steak is always interesting - I’ll try to get video of it to put up.

Sorry, buses:

So glad I wrote those first paragraphs before I got distracted, because if this were a conversation I’d have completely forgotten where I was and where I wanted to go with it. This way, I was able to read back from the top of the page and figure out what today’s topic was.

Buses.

I don’t often take the bus - I mainly take the train to most places where I want to go and can’t’ be bothered driving. I seriously thought about commuting to work, but after doing the sums I figured out that it would not only take longer, but also cost more to take PT. Which is kind of ridiculous, really.

Maybe I don’t like talking to people on the bus because I’m too annoyed at the cost of a bus ticket.

I have no idea where I was going with this.

Chalk and... Chalk.

Chalk is pretty interesting stuff. It’s a sedimentary rock and is made from the remains of microorganisms. When combined with a blackboard, the image is one associated with learning. It is used in agriculture, gymnastics, even in building works.

It’s really interesting, useful, versatile stuff.

And I hate it. I loathe it with every fibre of my being. It is the most heinous substance known to man and should never, ever have been put into use as a writing implement. Just thinking about it is enough to make my skin try to crawl off the rest of my body so that it doesn’t have to risk touching the the hypothetical chalk. Actually, that could make a really good album title. But I digress.

I developed my aversion to chalk at some point in primary school. It’s not the screeching sound it makes on the board that’s the problem, as it is with most people - it’s the softer sound it makes normally which irritates me. As I just mentioned, I also can’t touch the stuff so being asked to write something on the board with chalk has always been a deep-seated fear of mine. Had whiteboards not become the dominant type of board, I would never have done an education degree because I would never have been able to work in teaching. If blackboards were still widely used, I either would never have gone into the profession or I would have used up every single cent of my photocopying credit on overhead projections and plain overhead sheets, and possibly the whole school’s yearly overhead budget. And then been fired for it.

I figured out recently that it’s not specifically chalk which is the problem, but rather having dry hands. When my hands are dry, I can’t touch anything; if I’ve just had a shower, I have to use really creamy moisturiser before I can handle anything fluffy (makes towelling off interesting) or made of paper, or even remotely grainy or dusty. Chalk, of course, dries the hands out and is also grainy and dusty, so we have a nice trifecta of “unpleasantness”.

The first time I cleaned out a non-disposable vacuum bag, the dust dried my hands out and then there was more dust to touch and that dried my hands further and made them even more sensitive to the fine particles and grit.... My hair stood on end, I felt like my teeth were being scraped by the dentist (only this was less enjoyable), and then something truly bizarre happened: I started getting hot flashes.

My whole body rebelled against this vile substance, even down to my temperature regulation system. At this point, I dropped the vacuum bag and called for help, because I was freaking out over how horrible it felt. My fiancé took over, and immediately understood my aversion to the task, because he knows about my aversion and his hands get dry too. 

He just doesn’t go into premature menopause over it.

Housework sucks.

I posted recently about why things get messy, now I’m posting about why they tend to stay messy.

Nobody likes cleaning and tidying. It’s a chore which takes time and effort, and which everyone wishes would just do itself. It’s a bit of a pain.

For me, tidying is even more difficult than for most people. For one thing, I have no idea where to start. When I see a messy room, I don’t see messy sections, but rather I see the whole mess. I have actually been in the situation where I stood in the middle of my room, trying to get to all corners at once to tidy the whole thing, and the result was that I didn’t actually move for about a minute while my brain started crashing. It looks kind of like this:

Apple have ruined beachballs for me. Forever.

If I do manage to, eventually, pick a starting point, I will zone in on that section and tidy it to  absolute perfection. I will then step back feeling exhausted and proud of my work. I will then look around the room, see just how much more mess there is, and lose all hope of ever getting the whole lot tidy again and give up.

The other thing that makes me lose hope is not knowing where to put things while I’m tidying. There are multiple places that they could go, and there are multiple items which could go into any of these multiple places, meaning that I overload on all the possibilities, put everything that I can’t immediately sort into a new pile, and try not to think about it. This means that I will have several piles (in boxes if I’m lucky) of “miscellaneous items” which get forgotten and I often wonder where these things go. I find them again later in this pile, try to sort it, and panic again.

It’s easier when I have someone there to help, partly because things get cleaned more quickly and thoroughly. This means that I don’t get disheartened about the fact that I’ve expended all this time and energy for no apparent reason.

Clearly, I must never live alone. Or I will have a breakdown.

Fruit flies like a banana.

Having no sense of how long things take has led to my always adding half an hour to how long I think anything will take. I figured out a long time ago that going shopping doesn’t just involve walking around shops - it involves:

• Getting ready to go to the shops (day clothes rather than pyjamas, shoes, brushed teeth etc) 
• Finding everything I need for leaving the house (phone, wallet, keys, etc)
• Getting to the shops
• Finding a parking space
• Getting from parking space to shops
• Allowing time for having to “shop around” if you’re not happy with the price, or can’t find what you’re after in the first shop
• Waiting in line at the checkout
• Getting your things to the car
• Going back to the shops to get the thing you forgot to buy
• Waiting in the checkout line again
• Getting to the car again
• Driving home
• Unpacking your shopping
• Collapsing from the exhaustion of it all

For me, every trip I take is a multi-step process. Every possibility needs to be accounted for. I can be prepared as I like with lists and reminders, but the fact is that each of these "steps" takes time and each one needs to happen at least once.

Ever heard the phrase “You’d never get across the room if you had to think about how to walk”? I do get places, but it can be quite stressful, and the alternative is locking myself out of the house, or having to take two trips because I forgot my wallet, or something else which makes it even worse. It's all more or less part of a routine now so it doesn’t bother me quite as much as it could, but that’s the trick: It’s routine. It’s regimented. If I deviate from the routine, my world falls apart.

Welcome to my world.

Time flies like an arrow.

Everyone feels time passing. The perceived speed at which it does varies; we hear talk of “fast weeks” and “slow days” and “long hours”, mostly depending on how much you’re enjoying yourself and how much you have to do. This is normal. 

Most people have a reasonable sense of how long things take - they can usually tell, with reasonable accuracy, how long they spent on one activity or another without having to think too hard about it.

I lack this ability. 

For me, time is very fluid. Unless I’ve been able to look at a clock and measure how long something takes, I’ll have no idea. If I’m estimating how long something will take, I’ll need to compare it to things for which I’ve already done this and it isn’t always accurate.

If I’m estimating how long something has taken (without having looked at the clock), I have to think about all the things I did, how long I’ve measured them to take, and add it all up to give you a figure. Every. Single. Time. I can’t gauge it on feeling.

For instance, while I was in the emergency ward in August, I was in a bed and unable to see a clock. I also had very little to do. The only thing I had to measure time by was how frequently the machine measured my blood pressure (it was set for every half-hour). I was genuinely surprised when the first half-hour had passed because my best estimate was that 5-10mins had passed. I wasn’t waiting for anything specific and I had nothing to compare the passage of time to, as nothing was happening. The other interesting thing is that, for most people, this would have felt like an eternity.

I have a similar thing with driving - I have no idea how long a driving trip takes if I haven’t monitored it by clock or figured out how far it is, how fast I’d be driving and done the math.

Some pockets of time drag on, usually when I’m waiting at a traffic light, but not as frequently as the pockets that speed along past me, and a lot of people don’t realise just how abnormal it is until they’ve sat with me in the hospital and realised that a half-hour of doing nothing feels like 10mins, where an hour of working at a busy checkout feels like 8.

Yes, the feeling of how long things take varies for everyone, but for me it varies to extremes and is also erratic enough that it's a wonder I can tell the time at all.

"Just make a list!" - F*** off.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the difficulty of needing medication to take my medication.

One of the problems I also have is with lists. People keep telling me to have a to-do list. Write things down, so you can check them off as you go. 

This works for a lot of people. One problem I have is that of losing my lists. I can’t keep track of them. I have gone through about half a dozen notebooks this year, because I keep losing and misplacing them (including one that had the insurance details of a guy who rear-ended me)

I keep some of them on my phone, but I’ll often also forget that they’re there. I actually once got to the point where I was putting lists on post-it notes and sticking them to my mobile phone, because I was unlikely to forget my phone and if they were right there and BRIGHT YELLOW and impossible to ignore because they’re shouting “LOOK AT ME I’M BRIGHT YELLOW WITH RED RED RED INK!!! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!”, then I might actually remember that they exist and take a look at them! 

This became a problem when I ended up with multiple sticky notes. Or if the notes weren’t sticky enough and fell off. Hey, I tried. I just suck at it.

This video actually illustrates the problem pretty well...

The simple fact is that, in order to remember something, I need it to be right there. I need to be able to see it. This is anothe reason my desk tends to be messy and why I tend to spread out a lot at work, which can annoy people who are anal about their personal space (thankfully the people I currently sit next to aren't).

Most people cope really well with vertical shelves - they have things layered and organised  that way. I, on the other hand, need to be able to see and access everything in order to not forget that it exists. I guess this is one area where my brain hasn’t developed beyond that of an infant; If I can't see it, it ceases to exist. In my mind, most things (worksheets and that sort of stuff) immediately lose their usefulness once they’re stored away or up on a shelf and in a folder (but don't worry; if you leave, I do know you still exist and remember that you’re there. You’re a people and people are different). That shelf suddenly becomes a flat surface, and it is now part of a pile of stuff, only the top of which matters (if that). My shelves just end up being piles of stuff.

I’ve just done a bit of a circle, haven’t I? Damned loops.

Flat surfaces

 I love organisation. I dream of a permanently organised home, with a place for everything and everything in its place. If you walk into a shop like Kikki K and take a look at their displays where they have a desk with paper trays and pencil boxes and no clutter and everything looking nice; that’s the kind of setup I want with all my heart. Neat and calm and lovely.

Now, very few people have anything that organised on a 24/7 basis, but it’s even harder for me. Generally, we put it down to the ADHD, though we weren't sure specifically which part of the ADHD it related to. After reading this post (step 3, in particular) my fiancé realised one of the key problems that I have: I treat all flat surfaces equally. 

If it is a flat surface, I will put something on it and usually just forget about it, because I have other things to do and the very reason I put something on the surface in the first place is that I was already distracted by something else and needed my hands free to get on with it.

My housemate has to keep reminding me not to leave the lids of plastic tubs (in which we freeze leftovers) on top of the microwave. I’ve also left work papers there, my phone, and even my laptop.

And a flat surface doesn’t always mean a clear bench top or top of an appliance: If I have a stack of papers on the table, well, the top of that is flat as well and will be utilised as such. And the surface doesn’t have to span a larger area than the item I’m placing there... This also makes mess harder to see through when you're searcing for something. The world is, as far as my brain is concerned, just a series of flat surfaces that are intermittently broken up by some not-so-flat surfaces, or flat surfaces at different angles.

And, when I tidy, I do so by finding the appropriate flat surface to put something on. Urgh.

I also treat my fiancé as a flat surface - I just hand things to him when I'm done with them, but then he asks me what I want him to do with it and, well, I hadn't really thought that far ahead... I just didn't want it in my hands any more! I'm not entirely sure he appreciates it...


I was glad when we got him his own wardrobe. Not just because it meant he had somewhere to put his clothes, but because I had more places to put mine. No, I do not put my clothes in his wardrobe. I put them on top of his wardrobe.

No wonder everything is always cluttered.

Momentum

I have this problem with people interrupting my train of thought. Aside from forgetting what I was thinking about or the point I was trying to make or where I was going with a story, it’s also actually quite painful.

Once my brain starts, it’s like a car on a freeway. It will be doing its thing, thinking away, like a car driving smoothly along this road and happily going along at 100km/h. And then hitting the brick wall that appears out of nowhere, a la Warner Brothers:

That’s what it’s like when someone drags my attention away from what I’ve focused on. Now, for me, focus is hard enough to come by as it is. When my brain does finally manage to hook into an idea and start running with it, it has too much momentum to be able to just stop. It’s also like being in a tunnel, in that I’m finally not distracted by everything around me. If I am drawn off to the side by something, that will also be like hitting a brick wall, only one that's just a little to the left or right, rather than put up right in my path.

This is called hyperfocus. It’s an ADHD thing which is counter-intuitive in some ways, because it’s not a deficit of attention but an overabundance of it. It can be very helpful in an exam situation, but it’s horrible when someone decides that they want your attention when you’re in the middle of it. It hurts.

And then, when you’ve snapped at the person who has been annoying you (or, worse still, the several  people who have been trying to get your attention, which used to happen at uni has very nearly happened at work more recently), you try to go back to what you were doing. Unfortunately, hyperfocus isn’t entirely voluntary and getting back to that state after an interruption can be a lot like trying to get back onto the freeway and back to 100km/h in your totalled, wreck of a car. It just doesn’t quite work. It’s now slow and clunky and bits have fallen off while other bits are held on by what paint is left and could drop at any moment. You just can’t work the idea in the same way that you would have, had you been interruption-free.

This has caused a few arguments between me and my fiancé, because if he suggests an idea, he needs to hear me acknowledge that I’ve heard it. Unfortunately, if it's a good idea, my brain is already working on it so when he forces an interruption by asking me to acknowledge that I heard him, I snap because he’s just put that wall right in front of my speeding car of a brain.

This leaves him wondering what the hell just happened and why I went off my rocker when all he did was ask whether I’d heard (and that’s perfectly reasonable, given I hadn’t actually given him a proper response).

We’re still working on this problem. At least it doesn’t happen particularly often.

Never. Again.

Tried a day without medication yesterday. It was interesting - It's been a while since I've started something, changed my mind, started something else, changed my mind, started a third thing, changed my mind gone back to the first thing, changed my mind...

Then I got handed a stack of test to staple and was glad for something I could do while my mind raced and did loop-the-loops. Seriously, my brain is a one-woman air show, except sometimes I run out of the fancy stuff that leaves trails in the sky so you can't always see the path I took to get where I ended up going.

Mental ACROBATICS! My brain is an acrobat! It stretch, it can jump, it can turn itself upside down... It can also sometimes get a cramp, but even that is impressive!


BLEEE!

It's kind of like needing glasses to find your glasses...

ADHD poses some interesting “challenges”. One of these is the forgetfulness that was mentioned earlier. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if what I’m about to write was what I intended to write in that earlier entry, though I still don’t actually remember and this could well be a new idea for an entry, while the previous one was meant to be about something else after all.

To help with the forgetfulness (caused by being distracted mid-action or -thought), I take medication. It helps me hold on to thoughts and to remember to do things.

Unfortunately, if I haven’t taken my medication, I sometimes forget to take my medication. It usually isn’t until I’m melting down and wondering why the world is so overwhelming and why I’m not able to cope with anything that I realise it’s because my tablet is still sitting happily in its blister pack, laughing manically at the extension to its useless, undissolved life.

Having the timing of taking medication as part of a routine can help with actually taking it, but if your routine changes that also stuffs things up. My routine changes almost daily, because my timetable varies. I can try to take it at the same time each day, but the change in routine still distracts me enough to have me completely forget that I was meant to take the stuff which is supposed to stop me forgetting things.

Memory problems are the worst ones to have when in charge of your own treatment. Seriously. It’s like trying to find a torch in the dark - you need light to be able to find it, and you need to find it to turn it on to get the light. Logic fails at this point and you enter an infinite loop of forgetting to take your meds because you’ve forgotten to take your meds because you’ve forgotten to take your meds.

And then the person whom you’ve asked to help you out in situations like this notices blank stare on your face as you struggle with the mysteries of the universe rather than finishing the piece of work that’s due in an hour, taps you on the shoulder and asks you if you’ve taken your meds and, realising you haven’t when you tell them you can’t remember, sends you off to do so. Hopefully, you won't be distracted by shiny reflections on your way to the tap to get a glass of water and forget again. This is why I keep a drink bottle at my desk. And why one of the people who sits near me knows that I need to take my medication.

I love people. They help out and are awesome. And helpful and nice.

Did I also mention that having unmedicated ADHD leads to “looping”, where the same thought goes on in your head over and over and over and over again, kind of like OCD? 

I think I’ll go take my meds now.