Wednesday, September 15, 2010

If you play sob music backwards, you hear the Devil PMSing.

If you are squeamish about anatomy, don’t read on.

The uterus is an evil, evil thing. I’m sure everyone’s heard a woman complaining about its monthly rampage at least once before, so I’m not going to bore you with the details of my immediate, physical suffering.

So, I’ll bore you with details of some previous physical suffering instead.

I’ve always had lots of monthly pain and stuff, so I started taking the pill to control this and make my life easier. In March 2010, I thought to myself “Why not skip periods altogether!” (I get brilliant ideas like that) - and switched to Implanon.

For a while, it worked really well - I was free of Monthly Madness and it was awesome and I was thrilled at the awesomeness of DEFEATING NATURE!  I was like a GODDESS among women, smugly enjoying the fact that they were probably bleeding all over the place and worrying about changing their “sanitary products”, while I had no such problems. I was superior.
Hammers also defeat nature

Three months later, on a Friday, I got a stomach ache. I didn’t think much of it, figured there was nothing to do about it so I took some ibuprofen and left it at that. Had a bit more of the same over the weekend, but it didn’t seem like a big deal. I just got on with things, as you do.

Monday night found me collapsed on the floor of my housemate’s room, crying in pain and begging her to take me to the hospital. I had no idea what was wrong with me, except that my legs and stomach hurt more than anything I’d ever felt before and the legs may have actually been preparing themselves to fall right off, dooming me to enduring “legless” jokes from well-meaning friends trying to make me feel better about my new status as an amputee. It was that painful.

I called my fiancé and he met us at the hospital where they almost immediately ruled out appendicitis and then had us wait for several hours. The really cool thing was that they had a TV in the waiting room and were showing Scrubs. I just can’t think of anything better to show in a hospital than that show.

Eventually, they took blood for testing and got me onto a bed where they did lots of poking and prodding of my abdomen and couldn’t figure out what was causing the pain. They took a urine sample and tested that, too. All the test came up normal. All the tests came up normal. No abnormalities. Zip. Zilch. ZERO.

There was, apparently, NOTHING wrong with me. Aside from the horrible amounts of PAIN. Which had gone from a whopping 10 (worst pain I’d ever felt, and I’m not kidding), down to a 3 or a 4. Also, It was playing games with me - it’d have me convinced that it was getting better, and then it would spike up again with a “Hah! Gotcha! I was just kidding! I’M STILL HEEERREEEE!!!!”

They eventually sent me home at around 4am (we had left the house at around 10pm), and my housemate and I wrote the day off. My heroic fiancé went in to work and was actually fine. I have no idea how he managed it. He is like a GOD in that he has such a flexible diurnal clock - I am in awe, because I spent the day incapable of anything more coherent than “Buh.”

Over the course of less than a week, I went to 4 different doctors until I got to see my regular doctor again, who suggested endometriosis. He told me to go back on the pill and see how I go. After 2 days on the pill, I had one pain attack that got up to about 5 or 6, and haven’t had one since (which strongly supports the endometriosis hypothesis).

So, in short, my uterus hates me and loves being on the pill. It's a drug addict, and this is an unhealthy, drug-infused relationships where it only likes me because it's stoned on oestrogen.

Evil. Pure, unadulterated, EVIL. And also dysfunctional.

The Devil's Uterus


  1. worrying about changing their “sanitary products”, while I had no such problems.

    FWIW, the cup only has to be emptied once a day (I do it in the shower). I know it seems gross, but it's so worth it.

  2. Yeah, a friend of mine is using that and she says it's great. Unfortunately, I get terrible pain with it so while the cup would help out with mess, it won't help with everything :-p

    I'm still going to look into it, because it seems like a worthwhile investment!

  3. The Devil's Uterus - *****
    love it.

    But also, poor Quincy. I hope you figure out what the issue is, because periodic agony is NOT cool. You're booking an ultrasound right? My friend, who has severe endometriosis, says they can be booked out for long periods so you should get in ASAP.

  4. Yeah, I had one done and it was perfectly normal. I'm a House case! :-p